by Dr Jill Ammon-Wexler
Personal Excellence Mentor and Pioneer Brainwave Researcher
Has someone has ever caused you emotional pain you with
careless, mean or sarcastic remarks? What follows are
some practical ideas to avoid that sort of pain in the
future – and to also make sure that “someone” is not
your own self.
Of course criticism can be a positive thing at times –
and we must be able process this kind of feedback if we
want to progress in our lives. Without some form of
feedback it would be hard to improve our performance or
behaviors.
But criticism can also inflict pain! It can cut very
deep – and even stay with us for our lifetime.
Depending upon how well you handle it, criticism has
the potential to put serious limits on your life – OR
to take you forward into higher levels of personal
performance.
Sorting it Out
Let’s start with a sorting technique to separate the
facts from the opinions. A fact is something that is
somehow provable and can be shown to be true. An
opinion is an idea, or someone’s personal
interpretation of something. Look at your dog, for
example. If you were to say,"That’s a beautiful dog,"
it would be an opinion.
The underlying fact it that it's a dog. Your neighbor
might think your dog is ordinary looking, or even ugly.
One judgment (It's a dog) is objective, and the other
(It's a beautiful dog) is subjective.
Many times people will state their opinions as fact –
while what they are expressing is only their opinion.
I saw someone step on a scale on a TV program and weigh
in at 450 pounds. I was alarmed, but he beamed with
joy. I had automatically judged him to be seriously
overweight. But he revealed that he had lost almost 400
pounds. Wow! My opinion was just that – and his
judgment was quite different!
if someone calls you a "couch potato" (the term could
be a lot more painful), you should decide for yourself
if this is a fact or an opinion. Check out how you
look. Do you look or act like a "couch potato?" No?
Then this is just someone’s opinion.
The Burning Question
Here’s the really important question! Just whose
opinion of you is the most important?
There are periods in life when other peoples’ opinions
of us are more important than our own opinion. This
especially occurs during our sensitive teenage years.
Since we are beginning to take our place as a young man
or woman, the opinions of our peer’s often have a huge
impact.
Actually that is a natural part of becoming
“socialized.” But it's one we do want to grow beyond as
we become adults. Sooner or later we have to make a
serious decision to have OUR OWN opinion of ourselves
be the most important opinion.
What’s Your Frame of Reference
The best way to correct any tendency to judge yourself
poorly is to learn to choose your ‘frame of reference’.
A ‘frame of reference’ is the criteria by which we
judge something, or determine if it is valid.
There are two possible frames of reference: internal
and external. Here’s how to understand the two:
Suppose you have completed a task at work. How do you
know you’ve done it well? Does your direct supervisor
tell you "Great job!"– or do you just know without
anyone saying so? The first "frame of reference" is
external, and the second is internal.
Actually neither frame of reference is better than the
other – both can have their own importance.
For example, when learning something new, an external
frame of reference is very useful. It's otherwise
difficult to learn anything other than what you already
know. That’s why the learning experience is based on
external feedback ... until we have enough experience
to decide for ourselves what's working.
An internal frame of reference has YOU deciding what’s
good, bad, or otherwise.
If you have an internal "feeling" that you're using to
judge yourself, this is an internal frame of reference.
If you know what you’re doing, that's probably
appropriate. But if you’re doing something totally new,
you may still benefit from some external feedback.
Dealing Positively With Opinions
When you are thinking about your self and how you're
regarded, it’s beneficial to create some solid,
positive internal frames of reference.
People with healthy self-esteem operate from a positive
internal frame of reference in regard to their personal
worth. People with weaker self-esteem operate from an
external frame of reference – and are more likely to
listen to other people’s opinions of their worth. And
in some cases – they actually allow others to totally
decide their worth. This is does not lead to a positive
life experience!
So can you change this? Here are few simple
suggestions:
Start by paying attention to what you say to yourself
about your own self. If you hear negative self talk YOU
are creating a negative internal frame of reference.
Begin to correct this by paying more attention to the
things you appreciate about yourself.
Put more focus on what you do well, and realize that
none of us are perfect in all aspects of our lives.
Be a little kinder and forgiving of yourself and
others.
Forget past pain and judgments, and stop re-creating
them by bringing them into the present moment.
Take a course, read a book, or attend a seminar on
personal empowerment or self-esteem.
The sooner you tackle the tendency to make negative
judgements about yourself – the happier and more
satisfying your life will become.
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